I am a used uterus. Only slightly used, mind you. I’ve done my job and I think my Boss Lady would give me a glowing recommendation. We get along pretty well; I try not to cramp her style too much and she doesn’t expect a lot from me, so the relationship works.
I’ve had two tenants in the past 11 years. The first one accidentally gave me a good punch a few days ago but I just smiled indulgently, remembering when those blows came from the inside instead of the outside. The latest tenant gave Boss Lady a kiss on the belly just this evening, but I knew it was for me. I’ll always have a soft, squishy lining for these little people that once called me home.
However, I’m retired. Not officially, because at 30, Boss Lady could call me back into service for at least another 10 years, but we’ve had a tete-a-tete and have come to the mutual agreement that I can kick back and enjoy the next 50 or so years in peace, just hanging out while my neighbours continue to work day in, day out. It’s my reward for a job well done.
I didn’t give her much trouble in our youth (except for my own rebellious stage when I allowed myself to get pregnant at 19 – oops!), took great care of my first and second tenants, pushed them out into the world with relative ease (although I was not the quickest at it), and have pretty much kept to myself each month, doing what I have to with as little inconvenience to Boss Lady as possible (Clarabelle and Bessie upstairs are a different story though, they’re not always nice to BL, or so I hear).
So now, 5 ½ years after my last tenant, Boss Lady can hold a baby and I don’t even so much as twitch. I’m just sipping a martini (BL likes Caesars, but I’m a martini kind of gal), reading a trashy romance, and minding my own beeswax. I even overheard her telling my buddy, ‘The D”, that he could get the big snip if he so desired. He’s less than keen since my current tenant, Mirena, keeps me out of ‘the family way’, unless someone changes their mind. Which I doubt.
And speaking of “The D”, maybe I should go pay him a visit. He’s usually pretty nice to me too.
Originally published at http://MyUsedUterus.com