3:45 PM

“I can’t do my homework in my room”, she says, “I’ll be lonely”.

4:00 PM

“ARGH!  There’s too much noise in the living room!  You guys all need to quiet down”, she says – after refusing to do her homework in her bedroom.

4:25 PM

“Oh, Come-On!  The cat just pooped in the litter box and it stinks in here!  And anyways I can hear the cars go by”, she says, after storming off to my office.

4:30 PM

She’s bashing all my solutions whack-a-mole style.  I briefly entertain the idea of suggesting the roof but we have nosy neighbors.  With my luck someone will call the cops.  “What do you mean, I can’t let my child play on the roof?!?”

4:42 PM

Her eyes twitch, and suddenly she’s going all Linda Blair on us.  What the fuck just happened?

Her head stops spinning long enough to inform me – and anyone within a 2 mile radius – that her nº2 pencil punched a hole in the paper.  Not unlike a camper surrounded by snarling wolves I cautiously approach to inspect the damage.  Her homework is ruined, and my table looks like it got stuck in a hail storm.

4:43 PM

“My homework is ruined and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT

homework ruins kids

I beg to differ, but it might be safer to keep my mouth shut…

“So anyways…. what’s for dinner cause I’m starving.  And don’t tell me its spaghetti ’cause we had that last week and I saw the pasta on the counter and if you start making sauce I’ll throw out the pasta when you’re not looking”

4:50 PM

She’s up in her room now, still listing all the things I better not be making, and all the things she’ll do if I cook said evil foods.

10:40 PM

Sufficiently mollified by the effects of adult grape juice and silence, I creep into her room and stare at her gorgeous little face.  Did I imaging the whole thing?  The pock marks on the table say no.

5:30 AM…. the next morning

“GOOOOOD MOOOORRRRRNIIIIINNGGGGG” screeches a high pitched little voice.

What the fuck just happened?

Suddenly the voice jumps on my chest, landing a knee in my rib and an elbow in my thigh.  I open one eye and come face-to-face with her nose.  How she manages to contort herself this way I have no idea.

“I put my alarm on for 5h30 so I could have Pleeeeennntttyyyyyy of time to get ready!”, she announces, “so get up!  what’s for breakfast?  Can I wear my dress to school?  Oohhh!  Can I wear my dress AND my sparkly headband with the necklace with the clasp that clasps at the back of my neck, like, you know, like yours? And it has the butterfly on it with the blue diamonds and the white diamonds, and those little wholes where the diamonds fell out of it but I don’t care cause it’s still really pretty and you know my friend Sydney really likes butterflies?  I wonder if Mr Gilles will let me present it to the class but maybe we won’t have time so I’ll have to wear it again tomorrow just in case we have time tomorrow but I can’t wear my dress again tomorrow you’ll have to find me something else to wear, like maybe that shirt wit the sleeves and the tag?  You know, the pink one?  It has a design on it?  You kno-o-ow…..”

If anyone needs me I’ll be bashing my head in the wall whack-a-mole style, hoping the ringing in my ears drowns out the ramblings of the now-happy bear 2nd grader.  #atleastshesinagoodmoodthismorning #dearlordpleaselettherebecoffee