Sex Tape The Movie VS The Real Thing

**** DISCLOSURE ***** This post contains adult content and is not intended for all viewing audiences INCLUDING my mother, my sister, my mother-in-law, my husband, or anyone else remotely connected to us by blood.  Kids, if you find this in 15 years, move on please – move on!

What’s the worst that could happen? 

A little bit of this, a little bit of that, all in efforts to rekindle that seemingly long-lost spark.

Let me be the first (if not the last) to tell you that married sex is different than dating sex – even if you were in a committed long term relationship before you got married. 

When you’re dating, ‘date night’ is a night off.  You take your time getting ready, shaving your legs, listening to your favorite music, maybe have a glass of wine.  By the time the bedroom tango comes along you already came at the door, in the stairs, and on the floor beside the bed. 

Married sex?

It’s different, but you don’t really notice it as much until you have kids.  Experience tells me there’s an 18 month lull – or dry spell, if you will – after each pregnancy.  You just don’t feel it!  At all. Screaming kids, poopy shit-fests, mountains of laundry and that good’ole glow, a remnant of sweat accumulated since your last shower four days ago!

We all do it: mercy sex.  You know, the “Fine, cause if we don’t tonight you’ll pout for a week” kind of mercy sex?  That.  Sometimes you’re in the mood, but its never at the same time as your partner’s mood.  Not to say you don’t enjoy it…. but you do need a lot of convincing!

I can understand the drive to try just about anything to get that spark back but it doesn’t always work out as planned, does it?  (continued)

We don’t have ‘The Cloud’ as they do in  Sex Tape The Moviebut we do have cats.

The new cat has a sex radar.  If we don’t close the door she’s right up in there, trying to get in between our legs.  She once cleaned our sheets while we were looking for a towel, and God forbid you take out the vibrator!  She’ll sing (purr?) in tune with it while pawing away at your leg.

Sex tape?  BAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHA!  It would likely end up looking like this:

So grab your main squeeze and head out to watch Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel battle The Cloud in Sex Tape The Movie, in theatre everywhere July 18th!  I’m sure it will be more entertaining than my cat, and perhaps provide fodder for the imagination 😉

Even if it doesn’t get you laid you’ll at least have had shower and a few laughs 😛

Though I was compensated for this post all cat interruptions, 4-day-old-mom-stink, and thoughts are my own.