red thong on clothelineI have always been able to find sexy under-things without getting a wedgie.  I’m thirty, I have 2 kids, and I waived the white flag at sensibility a looong time ago.  Boy-cut, bikini-brief (you know – they cover the assets but don’t come up too high), and hipster are all names familiar to my vocabulary… until recently.

My latest shopping trip nightmare to what appears to be a feminine haven for WOMEN has given me a critical case of what-the-hell-happened-to-normal-oh-my-god-i’m-turning-into-my-mom-itis.

Logic would tell you that S is bigger than XS, M is bigger than S, and so on.  It appears that may be true, at least partially.  Bigger sizes are definitely WIDER, but they don’t come up any higher (so if you have junk in the trunk you’ll instantly feel like you’re losing your pants) and the crotch – or gusset as some prefer – are ALL THE SAME WIDTH!!!!!

An XS with a gusset of – maybe – two inches might be just fine for a prepubescent teen, but a large brief (yes, BRIEF) with a two inch crotch will only result in giving my lady-bits the worst frontal wedgie EVER!  And it wasn’t just one style…the whole store was like this!

I spent 45 minutes comparing gussets and width and height and could not find a single pair of skivvies that wouldn’t immediately result in a battle of wills.  Pull to the left and the right side’s getting cold; pull to the right, the left is now left out; leave in the middle and suddenly you’re sporting a look closely resembling unsightly hoof marks.

So I left the store, went to Wal-Mart and bought the ugliest pair of fake-sexy briefs they had (think granny-pants with lace).  They covered the essentials but also came up to my bra and hubby wasn’t much a fan of the look.

Who knew?  My ugly, ratty cotton excuses for underwear actually make me feel better (and sexier) about my rumply-dumply self than anything in that store!

Have you had under-thing shopping nightmares!  Share your stories below and let’s have a laugh as we marvel over how the world has changed since we were young’uns 😉