Standing at the Corner of Single and Midlife Sex

I have arrived...

I was going through the blog last night, reading old posts and reflecting on all the things.

Good Lord, have I been a buzz-kill lately.  So while I appreciate y’all sticking around through my writer’s block and depressing posts I promise you, the funnies are coming back.

This morning for example.

Today was the day it all became official.  It started off as any normal day should – We turned off the water last night due to a plumbing issue so I was forced to wee where one had previously wee’d.

I sacrificed the water in the Keurig to wash my hands with full intentions of picking up a coffee on my way across town to the fancy ghetto notary who, for 25$, would pronounce us officially divorced etc.

I'll grab coffee OMW to the ghetto notary who, for 25$, would pronounce us officially divorced Click To Tweet

Apparently I enjoy pain so when the ex & I went stopped at Timmy’s (we live blocks apart, it really didn’t make sense to take 2 cars) I decided ‘screw the coffee!  Let’s go for the Iced Cap instead!‘.

I hesitated, almost changing my order.  But really, how bad could it be?  I’ve only just about shit myself in Ikea – and other fine locales – after one such beverage but today would be different right?  RIGHT?!?!?!?

The ‘Vegas’ Quickie

Formalizing this kind of thing is surprisingly quicker than a bad quickie after a dry spell.  Small blessings?  Because that’s when it happened.

My stomach rumbled.  Cramped.  My cheeks got all tingly and warm and all I could think of was ‘dear God please let me make it home’.


Where the water is turned off.

FUCK.  Fuckity-fuck-fuck.

With every twist, turn, construction delay and red light I prayed.  He laughed – even offered to stop on the side of the road.  All the nopes.

I ordered strongly advised him to stop at this place.  Because I value good plumbing.  And I can’t afford to get his car detailed.  But mostly because of the plumbing.

Did I mention we’d had Chinese food the night before?  The very Chinese food I eat oh, maybe, twice a year?

I made it.  Barely.

Thankfully the washroom is right by the front door.

As I washed my hands a few minutes later, having flushed at least 3 times while seriously considering stepping on the scale, I started feeling better.

He followed me outside and I couldn’t help but laugh at the horror in his voice.  “What the hell crawled up there and died?!?  Next time you’re using your own bathroom, water or not water”.

It was a shitty morning.

And that’s all I could say to the hot guy who asked how my morning was.  Sexy right? 

About as sexy as the wookie who’s taken up residence on what used to be my legs.  Oh.  And almost as sexy as the thought of inviting a man over and having to introduce him, pre-nookie, to your mom – who’s temporarily laid up, thus residing in your living room.

OMG It’s Happening

I’m standing at the corner of Single & Midlife Sex and the future of my sex life just flashed before my eyes.  This is where one would typically insert a self-deprecating joke involving old abandoned mine shafts but there’s a glimmer of hope.

After all, I * did * just lose about 10 lbs in 3 minutes. #silverlinings

Standing at the corner of Single and Midlife Sex. I have arrived, y'all. Click To Tweet