Watch out world, there’s a new toddler in town!

I remember a while back seeing a link to a funny blog post.  I followed, I read, and I fell in love with some snarky, red-haired, ritz cracker hoarding, pissy 2 year old going under the name of Honest Toddler.  Apologies to my husband.

I know it’s not a boy but that was the original picture on the blog (back when the 3rd post went live) and when I read its abuse humour I hear a boy.  Sue me.

If you have a look at this kid’s twitter feed or Facebook page you may wonder why I stand the abuse but the truth is he’s funny as hell.  Ok – his MOM is funny as hell.  Whatever.  The humour is impeccable.  When I found out that Bunmi Laditan was releasing the Honest Toddler: a child’s guide to parenting I had to get it.

This kid says I’m a bad parent.

Here’s a few ways I’m a bad parent according to some holier-than-though smart-ass kid who’s funny as hell.  Have I mentioned funny?

“Parents who get excited about sucking the fun out of their toddler’s life should have adopted a stuffed animal instead of having an actual baby…Send your baby off to live with Grandma…Use those flashcards to create a paper-mache child who will never disappoint you.  You’re Fired!”

OH!  I’m terrible with this one.  There is nooooo fun in this house considering that underwear is required – not optional – and I don’t let the little ones climb into the Big Bed every night.

“Encourage your toddler to eat yogurt/lotion naked so that the body can be nourished both inside and out.  If the mess bothers you, think of why you became a parent and get your head straight.”

Naked yogurt?  How about we go all crazy and use expensive makeup as paint and expensive designer shampoo as bubble bath for the Barbies.  Must.  Be.  Something.  Wrong.  With.  Me.

“Adults, you don’t look cute or smart when you hand your child broken anything.  You come off as rude and disrespectful”

Guilty.  I frequently give food to my kids that have 1 bite missing.  I thought that’s why we had 3 kids – so I could increase my caloric intake.  3 granola bars = 3 bites, or, my breakfast.  I guess I missed the memo!

“The best time for you to catch up on sleep was years ago, before you had a child.  Now that it’s too late, consider Hula-hooping, doing jumping jacks, or eating ice when you feel weak.  Perhaps going to bed at the same time as your toddler, instead of staying up until all hours arguing with Twitter friends and watching Netflix will help.  Just an idea.”

If I can’t argue with my twitter friends when you’re awake, and I can’t argue with my twitter friends when you’re sleeping… why am I here?!?

These are just a few examples.

I could go on but I’d end up with a novel and apparently its already been written.

If you think you may be failing your toddler buy the book – it’s worth the read.  You might start wondering if your toddler is secretly writing this stuff.

What are you waiting for?